I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
