Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She bit a glass in half.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
