I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
