i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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