Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
