I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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