this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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