I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
