My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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