I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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