You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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