if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
