Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
