Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why didn't you poke me back
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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