so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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