Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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