I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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