a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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