just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
