I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sorry about my life...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
