Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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