Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think i got beer on your cat.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
