We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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