At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize