After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize