I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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