Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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