break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize