Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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