I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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