True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Someone came in the potted fern
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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