The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
