I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
