Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
