3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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