you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
