This is not my ceiling
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
