I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
