Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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