shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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