Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
