I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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