So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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