True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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