if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
