Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
