M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
