Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
