Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
