The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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