On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if only i could text you this smell
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My dick has a subreddit
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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