I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
