I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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