Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
