if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
