Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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