im about as happy as oj after his trial
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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