Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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