oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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