Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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