see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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