brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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