the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
